I've come to the conclusion that conducting is a great exercize in being fully present. not sure why I haven't thought of it like that before.
I'm excited about the concert. As it always happens things are starting to come together (at least that's what it feels like from here) and that's got me excited to no end.

it's one in the morning. I'm sitting here waiting for my dinner to finish cooking. I think I've reached the point where normally I would throw my hands up and say "it can't be done" and walk away. Obviously I can't do that. Don't take it the wrong way, I blame no one but myself for the way I feel right now. There have been a lot of "if only I had..." thoughts running through my brain. And so now I'm fighting myself and my normal behavior. I can't let this be and I can't dwell on what ifs. So I will take what I've got and do the best that I can today. I will learn from this...

so big suprise I'm depressed. There's so much that's going to happen. So much that I want to happen that won't. In two months I'll leave hilo for what feels like forever. I don't want to go. I don't want to go back. Don't want to lose myself again. I mean what the hell am I going to do when I move back. I still want to apply to grad school but I'm probably going to listen to my parents who both want me to move back. I'm going to lose a lot of the freedom that I've found here.
I feel ugly, whiney, and stupid. I need to either stop crying or stop wearing makeup. I know I'm making a big deal out of something that hasn't happened yet. But everytime I do something now I keep thinking, two months. Hanging over my head like a death sentence... Two Months.
I don't feel like I'm any good at anything that I do. I feel like I can't trust myself or anyone else right now. I'm so afraid that they/I will go away, go crazy, or turn out to be something different. all of a sudden nothing feels stable anymore. nothing constant.

So what am I going to do about it? keep going through the motions until the wheels catch again? probably.

so why am I still home? I think I'm just scared. Scared that I only have less than three months to the recital. scared that at the end of four months I'm moving back to L A, and God knows when I'll ever be back here. Scared that I won't be able to pull any of this off. That things are going too well. I'm scared that the second I get on the plane to go home I'll lose everything. Scared that I may not finish. So instead of facing this head-on I sit here and hide. This is how I've always done things and I'm tired of it. I just realized that almost everything I'm afraid of are only possibilities. A whole bunch of what ifs. That's stupid. It makes no sense to be afraid of something that MIGHT happen.
I get more worried when I feel like I can't actually do something to fix a problem. Like worrying about what's going on at home. There's only so much I can actually do.
Why is it always the same problems? "Oh no the universe is going to fall apart because I can't control everything." But then when I step back and take a break I feel like I'm just being lazy, like there's something I could be doing.
Maybe all I need is a good swift kick in the pants. and that would explain my dream from a few nights ago. I keep waiting for someone to stop me and say "you're being stupid, stop it!" But it really needs to come from me. It can't come from anyone else, it has to come from me. Now I feel stupid. but that's ok because I've been acting stupid.

I really have to stop getting in my own way...

I stayed home today. Wasn't feeling well this morning and today felt like a day to just stop, so I did. I'm not saying it was the best choice but it's too late to worry about that now. I had a weird set of dreams last night that have me wondering about moving back, and about where I'm placing my values. I'm wondering about what I want, what my life's goals are from this point at least.
I know I want to perform and get better as a performer
I know I want to direct a choir and become the best director I can be
I want to travel
I want to write

these things feel so vague, i feel like it needs to be more specific. as far as performing and choir I can go to grad school for that, I can also just put myself out there when I get back to LA. Travel might come with gradschool, if I get any good at the first two touring might come with it too. I need to be more disiplined with my writing, set a specific goal each week, that seems doable.

My room's been a mess since the breakup. I cleaned today, still not done but it will be. Maybe that's what was bugging me, the mess in my head and in my room.
I need to start breaking things up into smaller, doable chunks.
*sigh* I also need a little inspiration, maybe that's why I'm slowing down. After the first rehearsal of my choir I couldn't believe how energized and happy I felt. I was renewed by that experience, the question is how do I maintain that? I still love doing it (even though we've only had two rehearsals) it's just during the rest of the week, what do I do to keep that?

I think one of the things that worried me about tonight's rehearsal was that I would never want to do this again. That this would confirm my worst fear and turn me off of choral singing for good. Well it didn't. If anything I can't wait for next week. I have a lot to work on between now and then, but at least now I know what I need to do.

My beat is THE beat
Countsinging
make sure everyone can see the beat/hand
bigger pattern/more body
always give two beats before entrance

The choir did well considering everything I threw at them. I'm very pleased.

Have you ever achieved a childhood dream? Something that you always wanted to do. I am right now (as dorky as that sounds). I've always wanted to be a choir director. It's kinda freaky actually being able to do it. I've got a long way to go before I'll be any good as a conductor but I know it's something I can learn.

Thank you.

So alot has happened in the last couple of days... I have 3 basses. yay! The people from the food basket are incredible. Their excitement for this recital made me unbelievably excited. I didn't realize the scope of what the food basket does on this island. One of the statistics they gave us just floored me. 1 in 3 children will have lunch at school as their last meal of the day. 1 in 3 on this island come home to no food (if there's even a home) so the food basket and other groups have started serving meals as well as snacks after school for the kids. I also didn't know that there are over 80 food pantrys here on the big island. One food pantry will serve around 500 people ONCE a month. The food basket itself serves as a central distribution center to other groups that give the food directly. At the smallest they help transitional houses, (about 8 people), at the largest are the food pantrys. Amazing. I'm so glad that we can help them even this little bit. Even though the funds may not be huge, the point is we are making people more aware of the Food Basket and what they do.
After that incredible meeting, I got an email that nearly made me cry. Mr. Springer recieved a copy of an SSAA arrangement of Kaulana Na Pua! I was begining to think I would have to ask for something else at this point. And Now he suggests re-writing it as an SATB so that the entire choir can do that. !!!!! There are no words to describe how this makes me feel right now. I'm excited.
I'm also nervous. I feel like more and more I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I don't really know if I'm prepared enough for monday but there's only one way to find out. My first problem is what to do after I talk to the choir on monday. I need to warm them up, and get them used to their sound. and then I can either dive right into the hardest part of the hardest piece OR we can sing through everything and then start working. (I have two hours btw, MWA HA HA). I feel like starting with what I think will be the hardest would be better in the long run but then they don't get a feel for everything that we are going to be doing. Having said that I'm still technically waiting for three of the pieces to show up. I'll probably make my decision sunday night.

So Today was the first day of classes. It's never much fun but I did realize something today. It was in University Chorus oddly enough. We were given three pieces and we dove right in. It was SATB, and in an african language. Now this isn't something that I would have chosen for a group of people with little to no choir experience. It's not difficult, but it's also not something I would have chosen. We learned the first 8 measures or so and it didn't sound too bad. I was surprised. It reminded me to not put limitations on what I think others/myself can do. Just give it to them and start. (you have to be prepared, but still) My trouble is I keep thinking like I'm going to have to carry my choir on my shoulders, forgetting that they can walk just as well (if not better) than I can.
I need to remember that I'm doing what I love. I need to remember that life is messy and very imperfect and that's what makes it wonderful. Those "tax collectors" are blessings in disguise.

I'm tired. I know that my happiness does not rely on anyone else but me. I know that there's something/someone better out there. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. I was doing great till about an hour ago. Now, just being tired... I dunno, it's not a good feeling. I don't know what to do. I want to get rid of this lonely feeling. Trouble is the only way I think to fix that is to have him here. Retraining old habits right? Why is it his arms I miss most. Knowing that I could please him, make him happy, that's what made me happy. Not how he treated me (obviously). I hate that this feels like all I can talk about, like it's the end of the world, like the worst thing that's happened to me. Maybe it is.

First off I'm drunk. but I wanted to write this down, not that I would ever forget it but still.

The night he came back from alaska, I've never seen him so happy and I think I've never been so happy. He was there in my arms and he sighed then smiled. It made me so pleased to see him content like that. Like there was nothing that could change that we were so happy together. That's what I miss. being in his arms, being able to hold him. I think that's what I need(ed), someone to just hold me and love me. Maybe that's why I put up with all of his shit. Why I ignored what I shouldn't have.

I wonder if this is ever going to stop hurting the way it is right now. I have to let go of it. the good and the bad. move on. but that's easier said than done at this point. I need to prove to myself that I don't need him and that I deserve better than him. Trouble is how do I convince myself of that? I guess I just have to believe it. *sigh*

So I deleted my myspace. I deleted his number. how can I get rid of the pain? I still care about him. I want to know that he'll be ok. I think that's why I wanted him to call, why I wanted him to fight back, defend himself, so that I would know he will be alright. But now I won't know. is it weird that I feel like this?
I don't regret anything. I was happy and my one goal was to make him happy too. And now my goals will change.
will this always hurt?

I think I realized today how much I love to cook. not just to feed other people but to feed me, mind and spirit. I love the process of making a new dish, I love being able to reproduce something from memory which is what this egg drop soup is going to be. So maybe I should learn to cook properly? I have the feeling that while it would enhance my skills it would also take some of the joy out of cooking...
I found some recipies that I want to try, madelines, cherry pie... oh so many things... We are going to cook hamburgers on the grill on saturday, I'm so excited.

All this cooking has me wondering, can you find happiness in a bowl of soup? We all know food feeds more than just the body. Can you find spirituality in a strawberry? Hope in a piece of cherry pie? I think we all know the answer...

Today is beautiful. there is no other way to describe it. hardly a cloud in the sky. Nothing to worry about. I'm almost on my way to mass, then when I get back we are going to go for a walk, then I will come back and cook dinner. it's going to be a great evening. I feel strangely content. I only want to remember this moment. knowing that the present is transitory, but that I can also return to this quiet content place any time I wish. It's good to know.

amazing what seven hours can do for perspective. I wouldn't trade being here right now for anything. It's amazing how much of myself I'm finding here in my Abuelita. Things that I didn't even know I had/did are there, thanks to her. Amazing woman. She's stubborn like me. She won't let go of something unless you really distract her. She was complaining about her stomach earlier. She hasn't been eating much since getting out of the hospital and she hasn't really slept well, My Tia and I think that is the reason she doesn't feel well. I'm hoping tonight she will get a good nights rest and that tomorrow I will be able to distract her more with the island itself. Most of all I want her to relax and enjoy this trip. That's my prayer for tomorrow.

I'm worried. About my grandmother, my recital, my friends, my future. Everything really. I'm begining to think she shouldn't have made this trip, at least so soon after being in the hospital. I'm worried I might lose her sooner than I expect. or that I might not be able to help her if she needs me. My recital is worrying me, a lot. I'm worried about the choir, all the tech stuff, my half of the concert as well. I'm not sure if I can actually pull this off. (maybe if I just keep telling myself, I will believe it). I'm turning into a loner again. I don't really hang out with anyone, and now that I've decided not to do the summer show...yeah, maybe this isn't the best idea for me right now but the decision has been made. I miss everyone but I also feel like people don't need me around right now. My goal right now is to do the recital and graduate. I don't know what I'm going to do after that. Grad school, I hope is in my future, but most likely won't be.
I suppose all I can do right now is keep working. There isn't much more I can do really.

I think I've finished my proposal. I don't think it sounds very good, but at least it's on paper. So I'm thinking about adding another level of difficulty too the recital. Using it to raise money for a local charity. like a women's shelter or a halfway house. It needs to be local. It just seems silly to me to do an entire half of a recital exploring ideas of freedom without actually doing something about it. I believe all forms of art can have an impact on our community. Why not actually do something about it?

well I can only remember this one part of my dream. We were in Mass. There were two priests celebrating. They got to the part of the consecration where the body and blood are raised and we sing the great amen. Only there was a little girl who wouldn't stand up. wouldn't recognize that this was the center, she had her back to the altar and was facing me. Fr. Steve (another priest) tried to persuade her to stand and recognize what we were doing. She said she didn't believe in what was going on. Fr. Steve had something around his arms and couldn't raise the body and blood and had to be helped by the other two priests. It was decided that since she wouldn't join us we couldn't proceed with Comunion. So we just skipped that part and moved on to the end of the mass.

I realize that not all of me is throughly convinced about my center/my source. Like part of me still wants to hide. Which would help explain (with other things) my feeling slightly awkward all weekend. Very interesting. Interesting that it should happen the night before Palm Sunday as well. This non-believer within me is what is holding me back (like Fr. Steve's arms). She doesn't entirely trust everything that's going on, because it feels safer to be in the old place. interesting indeed.

ok so. in my dream I was the mother, my sister was my daughter, I had a son and a husband. I knew I was being chased again or that someone was coming. These people had bothered me before I had hidden myself here and settled down. They came and told me I had to go with them, there were two men and a women, the ringleader looked like the villan from the last book I read, Carstairs. I hid three things from them (but never went back for them) It wasn't just me they wanted this time it was my whole family. it was raining outside. I went to look for the children and I couldn't find them. I found them hiding and told them about the three things and that they needed to run. We went back to where the villans were and they were gone. (there's something else that happened here but I can't remember what it was). The storm outside was so fierce the walls of our house were blown away, not us, just the walls, so that the only thing left was the floor. It was pooring and you could see that instead of ground after a while it was deep water. The Carstairs and his people were still there waiting by there submarine. we were heading toward it I think. They all got in and went away. The next thing I know my family and I are on a train, running away from the bad guys. I can see the beautiful scenery as we glide along. there's a thunderstorm and a beautiful sunset. My mind pans out like a movie down the tracks to this massive bridge. I already know somethings wrong. There are men on a bridge swarming around like ants. They are going to blow it up. I think that they are going to blow up the train there where they are. My mind pans back to where the train is, still a long way off and the tracks underneath the train are blown up. Everyone is falling. it doesn't stop until all of a sudden we are just there at the bottom. some people having survived. damn anarchists.

When I woke up this morning I was confused trying to find a meaning in it without really thinking about it. I kept thinking what a mess. That it has to do with my not going to class. That maybe there's something I'm hiding from still. I feel like this dream is actually another part to another dream I had in the past where I was being chased by government people because I was a spy, and I had to do a lot of running and hiding. Why was christina my daughter? because I feel like I need to protect her and also like she's just as deep in this as I am. I'm slightly confused because I thought for once I was doing everything right, and I am, but apparently my soul thinks more can be done. So what am I hiding from? myself, yes, but there's more. Carstairs was a purely evil villan in the book, bent on controlling Grey and using him to inflict harm on others, taking whatever means necessary to do that. Am I running away from someone or something that I feel wants to control me or use me? possibly. What were the three things I was hiding? parts of myself, but which parts? That made me think of my mother for some reason. Then the train, I mean what the hell? to be happy one second and then blown up by anarchists the next, only to find myself at the bottom still alive but barely. Maybe this is what my life has been up to this point? it's almost right but I feel like I'm missing something.

I just came back from an incredible concert. so why am I sad. I feel like all of a sudden I made the wrong choice in coming here. but then I wouldn't have learned half the things I have. I hate not believing that I can do any of this.

I was at school with Christina, but it was UH. I'm not really sure what happened but it had something to do with teaching small kids and getting a couch out of like a pit but it was more like a grave, we even found the missing remote apparently. I had sung all the masses that weekend at Martyrs and Sean came up and said that that was the best he's ever heard. He was nearly in tears and gave me a hug. I was aware of the fact that I had actually done something well, proud of myself even that Sean had noticed, that it had effected him. I got my sense of achievement from his approval. There was something about a field that was more mud than anything and had a fence surrounding it.

The bit with Sean is what struck me the most. I'm not sure what it means though I think I can hazard a guess. My happiness depends on the approval of others; my own self worth even. Do I just need to be aware of it or do I need to change my behavior. Make no apologies and just believe in myself? Seems like that would be better for me in the long run. Seems hard to learn though.